February 8, 2010

Cat jumps into lap moments before man known as "The Guv'na" befelled by trusted ape

Manfred P. Mann, alias "Manny", alias "The Guv'na", died early Saturday morning at his breakfast table when "Oscar", the death-predicting cat, jumped up into The Guv'na's lap. In mere moments, Guv'na was then beaten to death by "Travis" the Chimp.

Travis and The Guv'na had become friends after a previous mauling, whereby Travis, with the strength of 10 humans, tore off the face of a woman who was thought to have made eye contact with the ape. The Guv'na took in the chimpanzee and befriended him despite warnings from his friends and wildlife authorities.

The Guv'na enjoyed riding high-wheeled bicycles and wearing lavish fur coats. The Guv'na has faced multiple near-death experiences in his lifetime. He was one poisoned by several midgets that administered sweets to the Guv'na that were laced with PCP. He was also run over by Phil when the Guv'na decided to nap beneath the tires of a Ford F-150 truck to stay out of the sun.

The Guv'na came back to life in both of those instances, but he was unable to overcome death at the hands of Travis the Chimpanzee, after having all of his limbs torn from his body, his face ripped off, and was bludgeoned beyond recognition. It was initially believed that the Guv'na was a deceased chimp himself amidst all the blood and fur, until forensics identified him as human.

The coroner was able to identify the Guv'na from the candy cane tattooed on his penis.

Posted by Phil at 10:22 AM

February 2, 2010

Cat has uncanny ability to predict death

Article

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM

January 21, 2010

Attorney to the stars sued many, loved many; dies of pubic lice

Wayne Williams, attorney and friend of the Playaz, represented many famous celebrities and was involved in thousands of lawsuits before he passed away Thursday, January 21, 2010 confined to his bed with multiple sexually transmitted diseases.

Williams was known to have slept with as many women as he had lawsuits. He has been bedridden for over two months after reportedly contracting herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis, hepatitises A, B, and C, human papilloma virus, before ultimately being devoured by pubic lice.

Wayne stated prior to death that he would like to leave his lasik-corrected eyes, which now have 20/10 vision, to Moses Malone. Malone had been known to wear goggles during his basketball playing days. It was not clear if they were corrective goggles, or merely for protection.

Wayne's guestbook

Posted by Phil at 2:10 PM

January 11, 2010

Adventures led to love of drugs, square dancing

Shane Tackleberry passed away quite violently on Monday, January 11, 2010. While the official cause of death is undetermined, it was reported that there were signs of gunfire, heavy prescription medications, lacerations, electric shock, auto-erotic asphyxiation, as well as remnants of a struggle where broken and burned furniture was noted surrounding the scene.

Tackleberry, affectionately known as "Tac" to his close friends, leaves behind a wife, multiple mistresses, and an untold number of children, both legitimate and illegitimate.

Tackleberry was most well known as being one of five Playaz. His dealings with the Playaz led to a discovery of 'Comet Dust' - space particles off the tail of a comet - that could be used as a hallucinogenic narcotic. Tackleberry also loved to square dance.

Tackleberry took dance lessons at the Fred Astaire Dance Studios before being asked to leave the school for impregnating each of his dance parnters.

Tackelberry's age was undetermined at the time of death, leaving no dental or medical records behind. Tackleberry was the past president of the Buford-area Jaycees and was also a memeber of the local Masonic Lodge.

Tackleberry enjoyed spending his days polishing his Rolls Royce, and fighting mixed martial arts.

*Condolences may be expressed by signing the guest book (click on the "guestbook" icon below). In lieu of flowers, the Playaz ask that you send them money.

Posted by Phil at 2:23 PM

December 22, 2009

Angels and Demons

"Who are you?"

"My name is Clarence, and I'm your Guardian Angel. I came down here to save you, Phil."

"Save me?? Save me from what?"

"You've been given a great gift, Phil. You've truly had a wonderful blog. And now I'm going to help you see what a gift you've been given by showing you what the internet would be like if you'd never been born."

"Never been born?! Who said I wished I had never been born?! I just get tired of updating this stupid, penny-ante blog every once in a while, so what? Let me explain something to you, Mr. "Clarence", if that's who you really are, I am an important man. A rich man. Richer than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I can have any woman I want. I can do whatever I want...."

"But, Phil, once I've been given my orders, I can't...."

"Have you ever felt the wrath of the Playaz, Clarence? I know you haven't because there isn't a man or beast that has been left alive to be able to tell about it! If you don't go back to where you came from...."

"I'm sorry, Phil, the decision has been made to teach you a lesson."

"Then I've made a decision of my own, Clarence. I've decided that you will wish you had never been born!"

"AAAHHHH!! Oh God!"

"God won't help you, now, Clarence! You're going to burn...along with the rest of this town."

"No! Stop! How is this possible? I'm already dead...I don't understand how can this be happ- "

"Eat lead, Clarence! Now to take care of unfinished business!"

"Happy New Year to you, Hammer! In Hell!"

"So long, movie house! So long, Emporium! So long, you &%$ old Building & Loan!"

"SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!"

"Well, Joseph, that didn't turn out as well as we hoped. What do we do with Clarence, now?"

"Didn't turn out well? It turned out great! We've finally gotten rid of that bumbling idiot. Send him to Hell."

"Yes, Joseph. Oh -- Merry Christmas, Joseph."

"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too."

Posted by Phil at 1:10 PM